LSU vs Auburn, 2009 Prediction Pick 2009
By McD from Rumors and Rants

Two weeks ago, I was excited to preview Auburn because I was going to get to make fun of the haters who said Gene Chizik’s tenure there would be a disaster. I would also get to sing the praises of Gus Malzahn. This was going to be a good week.

LSU is an eight point favorite, and given the history of tight games between these two teams along with LSU’s issues moving the ball, I think LSU is going to win but not cover the eight points Saturday night.

Auburn vs. Tennessee, Prediction Pick 2009

Now this is one interesting match-up. On the one side? You have a classic confrontation. On the other side? You have the Cromptoning meeting a defense that is marshmellow soft. So. Who wins? 

That’s why I’m here.

The good match-up: Malzahn-mania has swept through Alabama. It has redeemed Chris Todd from irrelevant joke to a quarterback avaeraging 9 yards per pass attempt. It has given Ben Tate and the poorly spelled Ontario McCalebb (too many b’s on the dance floor!) power and glory as a two headed running back attack at Running Back U to the Southeast. And Mario Fannin does loom large as an X-Factor that really hasn’t emerged yet.

Monte Kiffin on the other hand? He knows how to game plan. And he has Eric Berry and a run defense that’s allowing less than three yards per carry. You will see a well-prepared defense going up against a blanced offense from a genius that’s earning his rep. It will be fun when Auburn holds the ball.

The bad match-up: Not to say that it’s going to be a real bad match-up, but when Tennessee has the ball? It will most definitely not be the classic confrontation. Obviously, the Montario Hardesty-Bryce Brown tag team is going to get some things done. Auburn is not great versus the run. That being said?

Horsefeathers!  

Tennessee still has the Horsefeathers at quarterback. And for all the scoring Auburn’s opponents has garnered? They are averaging two picks a game. The obvious choice for Gene is to dare Crompton to beat him. He will give Auburns defense another two interceptions. And that, my friends? That will be the difference.

Final Analysis: Tennessee is a team that is racked with injuries. They don’t have a receiver to carry the load. Their quarterback is facing a ballhawking secondary. Auburn is going to win with relative ease and comfort. Auburn 31, Tennessee 19.

Premise: The SEC as Old School Tag Teams

Let’s face it, I’m like the Fox Reality Television Department. I see a good idea, and I tweak it for my purposes. So, I saw Black Heart Gold Pants did a post comparing College Football Teams to pro wrestlers? I say two is better than one, I say the late 80′s are better than now, and I say that I remember the Conquistadors, and I care.

Mississippi State is…The Conquistadors

There’s a term in wrestling called Jobber to the Stars. You have a guy or a team with some name recognition. And they get to beat some random dudes. (Jackson State, Middle Tennessee State) But if they face somebody with any sort of expectation? They’re basically a guarantee game. Thus, they are the Conquistadors.

Auburn is…The Colossal Connection

Because Auburn is a school with traditionally outsized expectations. Bobby Lowder is a man who wanted this team to be as good as the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. The problem with that? Chris Todd’s arm is as strong as a post Princess Bride Andre was agile. The defense hits hard and I know that Antonio Coleman’s going to poke the eye out of Jimmy Jack Funk if he crosses him.

Arkansas is…the Rockers

This is mainly due to their post team career. The offense is something that is destined for bigger and better things. A lot of talent on that side of the ball. The defense? They’re the one destined for a long string of drug arrests and 18 person audiences. Ryan Mallet’s got a superkick that would take your head clean off.

Ole Miss is…The Fabulous Freebirds

They’re the team that’s built on swagger and style. You have a gunslinging quarterback in Jevan Snead. You have two playmakers in Dexter McCluster and Shay Hodge. You have a defense that will hit you as if you have been blindsided by a foreign object. I know Oxford doesn’t seem to have much bad on their streets, but there is a chance for the most genteel championship riot of all time.

Alabama is…Money Inc.

Everybody has a price. Everybody’s gonna pay. And you know that the Million Dollar Saban? He always gets his way.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Well.

LSU is…The Four Horsemen

They aren’t exactly the most charismatic team that you build a narrative over. Not to say that Les Miles doesn’t work well from the meme that he is the Ric Flair of the SEC. (If Ric Flair wore hats.) But the team is at its best when the offense is technically proficient and the defense will beat you down in the parking lot. Last year? This was the iteration where you had to deal with Paul Romo or Steve McMichael.

Vanderbilt is…The Fabulous Rougeaus

The offense is filled with ennui. Self-loathing. People who smoke clove cigarettes. Add to that a love of independent film and DeGrassi. The defense is filled with technical proficency and hard hitting. They are as well coached as a team managed by the Mouth of the South. But this is a team that reeks of Quebecois.

Kentucky is…The Public Enemy

Few teams get so much out of so little like Rich Brooks and the Wildcats. They’re trying for their fourth straight bowl win off of little more than Randall Cobb, Trevard Lindley, and a frying pan. You don’t know how they’re going to do this. But if you take them lightly? They will put you through a table.

South Carolina is…The Hart Foundation

If the Hart Foundation was in some sort of an Ultamaceian time paradox. The offense is Bret Hart. The bitter, concussed, stroked out Bret Hart. The defense? Ellis Johnson has a team that is ready willing and able to punch you in the mouth, stroke their awesome goat, and cackle about it. Just ask Russell Wilson. But the best there was isn’t exactly going to hold up their end of the deal.

Tennessee is…Demolition

Now, you look at the way the Road Warriors had galvanized mid-80′s tag-team wrestling and the WWE asked why not us? So they have the Dave Clausen like success of the outfit known as the Powers of Pain. But you dress up this new era? You get the power and the paint of top prospect Bryce Brown and the outlaw tomfoolery of one Lane Kiffin. In some form or fashion, these kids will be Walking Disasters.  

Georgia is…The Twin Towers

As this is the greatest official rivalry in the SEC, you need to have the great foil to the super duo. And as Florida is the Mania and the Madness? Georgia has to be the Law and Order and the Jive Soul Bro. They are a talented team, and if you are anybody else besides a championship contender and or Florida? They will break your face off.

Florida is…The Megapowers

You have Hulk Hogan (Tim Tebow) and Randy “Macho Man” Savage (Brandon Spikes) both in their primes. You have Urban Meyer as a savvier Miss Elizabeth. You have a team that’s bound to win every game that they play. The only thing that I can see that ends them is if Brandon Spikes accuses Tim Tebow of jealous eyes.

So while you wonder if anyone can take the Megapowers down? I’ll do something else. I already know, dear reader.

I already know.

SEC Football Fan Twins, Video Reprise Spoiler Alert … I don’t have a twin! This is a little video I made last year, and it still rings true. It is still funny to me. Despite my editing prowess, please believe me that I do not have a twin.

This is the “Auburn and Georgia, SEC Football Fan Twins“. I have not made a part 2, because I do not have the time, but if good material pops up this year, I might be forced to.

Top 10 Reasons Auburn Fans Should Have Hope

WHOO!

I know, you’ve got the same quarterback you had as your team collapsed. You don’t have the cash money that you once had as Bobby Lowder’s bank has collapsed. And you passed up Turner Gill for a man that hit on just over twenty-percent of his games at Iowa State. What to tell you? You’re in a bad spot.

But Andrew cares. Andrew wants to make you feel better about life. Andrew is going to put his motivated Frank hat on and say to you tonight! THERE IS HOPE!

In the form of a top 10 list, because we’re going late into Friday.

10. Tyrik Rollison looks good. Like, he’s going to take over the starting job at some point even if Chris Todd doesn’t suck, good.

9. NO MORE GATES! Bobby Lowder has had an Al Davis like vise on the administration of Auburn’s academics and Athletics. With his bank gone to glory, he’s going to take it easy.

8. Remember the year you were uncrowned National Champions? Nobody expected anything from you. So you’ve got a shot to shock the world!

7. Lee Ziemba! He’s an awesome left tackle who sells a cut rate zoomba!

6. Freshmen! They’re sensational! Pat White and Steve Slaton were no names in that I didn’t hear of them coming in, they changed the world. Emory Blake, I’m looking at you.

5. Mario Fannin is still a weapon. Most definitely, he is still a weapon.

4. Beat a Pat White-less West Virginia at home and you’re 4-0 going into a trap game…For Tennessee.

3. You can still defend against most everybody. Antonio Coleman is a force of nature.

2. And so to is the secondary. They can keep games interesting. They want it.

And the #1 reason Auburn fan has to be feeling good about their chances?

1. Mississippi State is still in the league!

Auburn, War Eagle! Reality TV Show. Since Coach Gene Chizik has arrived @ Auburn, he has done things a tad differently. Without anything except good vibes and recruiting news, we can only assume it is working. The first five games will tell us what the story is.

The latest thing to happen on the plains is that Auburn will have a miniseries reality TV show that will air on their home site. They are trying to “look for dynamic ways to further strengthen the brand of Auburn football”, as A.D. Jay Jacobs said.

I personally feel that Auburn needs to run the ball and run the ball hard, just like they have done for the past 30 years. That is the best way to “further strengthen the brand of Auburn football”.  If they don’t, the picture below is a great preview of their reality TV show.
Hat tip Charles Goldberg Al.com via D and B radio.

SEC Football Preseason Predictions, 2009. Here they are short and sweet. I know that my predictions will not only raise eyebrows, but they will also bring my sanity into question. I can only say that I think the SEC West is the deepest we have ever seen. Parody will be the SEC West’s surname. With 2 weeks to go in the season there will be several teams with shots at going to the Atlanta for the championship. The SEC East will be sewn up fairly quickly by the impenetrable Florida Gators. Georgia will make a lot of heads turn picking up the trash.

Auburn and Tennessee will both bring some normalcy to the picture by running the ball and keeping their defense fresh so they can do what they know how to do. The coaches have changed but the top level talent is still there. The coaches and assistants will bring new life.  Alabama, Arkansas, and Ole Miss will all come back to Earth a little. Well, Alabama a lot. Alabama lost their best passing QB of all time ( by the #’s ), and they lost their top 1 or 2 ranked offensive lineman throughout their storied program’s history. Last year was the perfect storm for them, and they still lost their last 2 games.

Please do not be too offended, if your team is not where you expect it. This is the best conference in the nation, and it is the deepest I have ever seen it. #5 through #11 could lose to each other any given Saturday. #5 through #11 would be the pride of any other conference. That’s just how the SEC roles.

1. Florida: 12-1, 1st in SEC East with a 7-1 SEC record = SEC Champions
2. Georgia: 11-2, 2nd in SEC East with a 6-2 SEC record
3. Alabama: 9-4, Tied 1st in SEC West with a 5-3 SEC record
4. LSU: 9-4, Tied 1st in SEC West with a 5-3 SEC record
5. South Carolina: 9-4, 3rd in SEC East with a 5-3 SEC record
6. Auburn: 9-4, Tied 3rd in SEC West with a 4-4 SEC record
7. Ole Miss: 8-5, Tied 3rd in SEC West with a 4-4 SEC record
8. Tennessee: 7-6, Tied 4th in SEC East with a 3-5 SEC record
9. Vanderbilt: 6-6, Tied 4th in SEC East with a 3-5 SEC record
10. Arkansas: 5-7, 5th in SEC West with a 3-5 SEC record
11. Kentucky: 5-7, 6th in SEC East with a 2-6 SEC record
12. Mississippi State: 3-9 , 6th in SEC West with a 0-8 SEC record

That’s just how the SEC roles.

The SEC Newsbrief (And what you need to know.)

There are several bits of information that I want to talk about. But since my headspace is feeling a mite bit cluttered? We’re going to share thinks that are happening today in the news and what you need to know about them. And yes, there will be sarcasm.

1) Did you know Florida is going to lose to Arkansas?

It’s true! Tony Barnhart said it’s the biggest trap game in the SEC. And while he is one of the sharpest minds in college football, and I don’t mind an easy post or two. It belies the point. If you go looking for trap games, you’re not going to find them. It’s the Matrix Theory. If you’re looking for a trap game, you must first understand that there is no trap game. 

But it’s obviously Kentucky. OBVIOUSLY.

2) The shambling corpse of Chris Todd has returned!

He’s the man who got Tony Franklin fired by general incompetence. He’s the man who made Kodi Burns look good by comparison. He wasn’t in the two-deep conversation in the preseason magazine that I bought. But he’s won the job to run Gus Malzahn’s fast pace offense.

You and I know that this isn’t exactly the result Auburn football is hoping for. But Gene Chizik won five games at Iowa State. Who am I to argue? I have no stake in Tyrik Rollison.

Hat tip: Lots to choose from, but I’ll go with the JCCW

3) Mississippi State may swing another 3-2 game this year.

 All reports out of Starkville is that the offense is struggling. Chris Low is reporting that the Bulldogs still have a dead heat at quarterback between Chris Reif and Tyson Lee. And it’s not in a good way either. Dan Mullen didn’t keep score in their first scrimmage. It wasn’t exactly a bad thing.

If somebody doesn’t come out and take this (and Freshman Tyler Russell may be behind, but with the general malaise of QB1 and QB2, he’s not that far), this team is bound to struggle, and my theory of Dan Mullen as Ed Orgeron will start to come to pass.